There’s not many things I know for certain, but I do know this: Life is exponentially more rewarding and satisfying when we have the courage to chase after what we really want rather than just taking whatever is available instead. When we don’t accommodate to others’ expectations and commonalities. When we have the courage to draw outside the lines, take risks, dream with ambition and take action towards our vision.
But in order to take risks and move towards the uncertain, we need to believe in ourselves first.
We need confidence.
However, here’s the thing: Confidence is not something we ‘have’. It’s something we repeatedly exercise. It’s something we practice consciously by affirming ourselves with kindness. And it is only up to us to start positively reshaping and transforming the way we see, think, and speak of ourselves.
It happens that our brains are a bit like a muscle, and like any other muscle, we can train and strengthen them so they work for us, rather than against us.
Easier said than done, sure.
Theory is easy-peasy, but practice? Ah, that’s when it gets real.
But that’s okay. Real is what we’re all about here. We like to get our hands dirty, experience, and put things into practice, so in this blog post, I am giving you 5 keys to help you unlock your most confident self, inspired in my latest podcast conversation with confidence coach and motivational speaker Valeria Euler. In case you missed it, you can tune into the episode right below:
When it comes to confidence however, there’s no shortcuts, no miraculous tricks or hacks. There’s just you, your willingness to change and the work you put into it. So I wouldn’t want to trivalize this topic by reducing it to a few simple ingredients as if it were a baking recipe. There’s a whole lot more depth to it than that. However, I do believe these 5 keys are important factors that directly influence our self-perception and hope they’ll open up new doors for you to walk through, leading to a more confident version of yourself.
1. Pay attention to your inner talk.
We’ve all dealt with that inner chatter that sits in the back of our head whispering to us with doubt; with fear. It sounds a lot like ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you don’t have the experience’, ’why would anyone care?’, ’what if you don’t make it?’, ‘what if you fail?’, ‘what will others think?’.
Sometimes we don’t even notice these self-sabotaging thoughts because they are hiding in the most subconscious corners of our mind; dressed up as excuses we just don’t want to face. We try to silence and ignore them because we rather lie to ourselves than confront an uncomfortable truth.
And that’s the thing about self-doubt; it’s a silent dream killer. It’s an enemy you’ve unwillingly welcomed into your own home. It confines you into the lowest, least authentic version of yourself. In fact, it’s often the reason why people stay in unfulfilling jobs, why they don’t make the money they deserve and are taken advantage of, why the use of their time is misplaced, why they don’t leave mediocre relationships, or why they don’t get to live their lives to their full potential.
Self-doubt is what prevents us from changing, and taking action towards our desired life.
And that happens because we often tell ourselves false stories about what we can achieve and believe all of those things we deeply desire are out of our reach. Consequently compromising out of fear.
So the next time you come across an uncertain situation, one that makes you doubt yourself and feel insecure, try to pause and analyze your thoughts for a second as if you were a neutral third party who suddenly tuned into that conversation going on in your head.
Start by acknowledging that most of that inner chatter is made up of exaggerated, irrational thoughts sourced from the ego, and bring some perspective into the conversation by second-guessing what your inner critic whispers to you in fear. For every thought sourced from ego and doubt, make a conscious effort to say ‘no’ to it and counter-attack with something that’s empowering, uplifting, and positive.
We know for a fact that thoughts directly influence actions, so being able to catch yourself going on that negative self-talk and making a conscious effort to stop it is important. Don’t forget that the way you think about yourself has a direct impact on how confidently you behave.
There are enough people out there who will try to bring you down; enough people that will project their doubts and fears on you, so make sure you are not contributing to that negative force from within.
‘Make a conscious effort to replace your insecurities and self-doubt with the victory of your humanity. This is announcing that you’ve shown up on this planet, in your life, and that no matter what comes, you have enough energy and vitality to be with it in a way that will create growth and trust not only in you but also within anyone who comes in contact with you.’
Guru jagat, on spirituality & CONFIDENCE
Remember that you are not your thoughts, so don’t believe everything you think and stop allowing your inner critic to control your life.
Where can you start? 
2. Self-awareness [know thee self!]
In order to be able to re-frame dysfunctional and limiting thoughts, you first need to identify them. You need to be aware of them, know they exist, when they speak, how loudly, and have the courage to look straight into their ugly faces to quiet them down whenever you catch yourself going into self-defeat mode. That self-defeating mode is nothing else but resistance. A negative force that frequently sabotages our best opportunities and ruins our best chance to accomplish great things and fulfill our dreams.
‘Identifying it, giving it a name, helps you befriend it. Befriending it helps you ignore it’.
SETH godin | poke the box
Because in order to have the courage to take action, make changes, or take the risks that are required to live a purposeful and fulfilling life, you need a great dose of confidence. You need to believe in yourself. And in order to believe in yourself, you need to know yourself first. You need to know your beliefs, your values, your weak spots, your imperfections, your passions, the things that energize you, and those that drain you.
Otherwise, you risk operating on autopilot and being complacent with whatever is available rather than going after what you really want. You end up choosing the comfortable route; the path of least resistance. And that goes for all areas of your life, from your job to your relationships, your mind, your body, your spirituality, and your overall lifestyle.
The consequent risk is that you end up letting other people dictate many of your important life choices, when you should always be the one holding the pen and writing your own story.
Here are 3 actionable tips to follow when trying to tackle self-awareness:
- The first step is taking enough time to know yourself. When you really know yourself you are much less likely to let others’ perception affect how you perceive yourself, because you have already built a very well-defined and steady picture of who you are and how you operate.Don’t be afraid to sit with your thoughts more often. Openly. Alone time is crucial to get rid of the external noise and perceptions that influence your thinking and the way you perceive yourself. It allows you to gain clarity. Dedicating a few moments during the week to check-in with yourself and just be, without any other distractions, can help you identify more clearly those enemy thoughts in your head and shed some light into what your true desires are or how you might be blocking yourself from achieving them.
- Secondly, write them down. Personally, journaling is one of the tools that has helped me most to gain clarity over what is really going on in my mind and to be honest with myself by picking apart the different thoughts that live in my head, being able to better identify which are constructs, lies or stories that I tell myself, and which are the true and underlying inner fears, worries or doubts.
Related read:
How to use the basics of bullet journaling to design a life you love. - Lastly, let them be what they are, no matter how ugly. Acceptance takes courage sometimes, but it will set you free. It will allow you to live in flow and alignment with what you do, which will naturally reinforce the confidence you have in yourself. Otherwise, you’ll keep operating in self-contradictory ways which will result in inconsistent behaviour and make it easier for you to develop impostor syndrome.
3. Comparisons: the recipe for unhappiness.
‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ said Theodore Roosevelt once – and whew, was he right.
Comparing ourselves to others is a natural but destructive human tendency because it operates like a periscope; it doesn’t let us see the full picture. When we compare ourselves to others, we often solely look into one single fact, feat or feature, forgetting the wholeness of ourselves and the other person’s.
We are all unique in our own way and are made up of our own very specific traits, strengths, talents, and weaknesses. In combination, they make us whole. They make us… well, us.
And that’s the one thing you can always be best at: being yourself. No one else can play that game better than you.
So if you’re going to compare yourself to someone else, let that be your past self. Allow yourself to celebrate that progress often so that you are less focused on where you stand relative to others and more focused on how far you’ve come. You’ll stop feeding your insecurities once your energy is centered on being a better version of yourself rather than playing catch-up with others.
Don’t waste time comparing yourself to a hypothetical self either.
‘Don’t drown in a sea of ‘what if’s. Don’t clutter your mind by imagining other versions of you, in parallel universes, where you made different decisions.You are you. The past is the past. The only way to make a better life is from inside the present. Accept your own reality. Be human enough to make mistakes. Be human enough not to dread the future. Be human enough to be, well, enough. Accepting where you are in life makes it so much easier to be happy for other people without feeling terrible about yourself.’
LEE CRUTCHLEY | HOW TO BE HAPPY
Although, allow me to also put in a good word for comparison. On the surface, it might be a nasty and demoralizing habit, granted. But if you’re armed with enough self-awareness to scratch through it and dig deeper, you might find comparison can also be a great source of insight. It can provide you with valuable feedback regarding your deepest desires, dreams, and things you covet; even those that are buried deep down in your subconsicous and you’ve been trying to ignore.
And it’s those things, the ones that are measured internally (and not through an external competition with others) that are truly important in life. In order to get to them, you need to stop measuring your value (and therefore the confidence you have in yourself) through other people’s scoreboard and explore what are the things that really matter to you instead.
What’s your scoreboard based on? How would you measure your own value if it were just about yourself and not a competition for external validation with others?
Write it down. Make a list. Design your own scoreboard and choose to play your own game.
4. Your environment – true confidence is contagious.
Yes, building a strong self-confidence should start from within. But that doesn’t mean your environment doesn’t play a role in it. It most definitely does.
The same way there are two voices battling in your head (the uplifting cheerleader and the judgemental critic), there are also two types of people you can surround yourself with. Those who reinforce your confidence by making you feel supported and seen, and those who make you feel insecure and judged. Try to distance yourself from the latter and stay close to the first, because that type of energy is contagious.
And no, I’m not talking about that cocky and narcissistic friend who is subtly but constantly bragging. That’s fake confidence. I’m talking about the people who behave and act courageously, who are not afraid to take risks, to dream, to inspire others, to speak their truth, to be vulnerable, to admit their flaws, and to fail over and over again as they continue to grow.
It’s those types of people you want to keep close because that mindset will rub off on you and they will inspire and push you to unlock your most confident self.
Confidence is not an inherent trait, it is learned, and let’s remember that not everyone departs from the same starting point. You’ve might not always had the best environment to develop your confidence. You might have felt you continuously had to prove yourself better to earn your parents love and attention, you might have been discouraged to pursue your dreams, you might have been told your ambitions were stupid, unrealistic, or naive, you’ve might not had any confident or inspiring figures around you while growing up.
There could be numerous past events and factors that have impacted the self-confidence you have today, but the great news is that no matter where you stand today, you’re not forced to be stuck on the same spot tomorrow. Again, confidence is not something we inherently ‘have’, it’s something we can acquire by repeatedly practicing it. So every time you exercise it by standing up to that inner voice sourced from self-doubt, you’re taking one step forward towards becoming a more confident version of yourself.
5. Practice, practice and practice once again.
How do you get confident? By throwing yourself into situations that don’t make you feel confident at all. Situations where you feel unsure. Where there’s uncertainty. Where there’s doubt and fear.
And then visiting that uncomfortable place again, and again, and again.
When a situation is new to us, of course we’re going to feel insecure about it. Of course we are going to doubt ourselves. Even the most confident-looking people do. But by consciously putting yourself in that position over and over again, you’ll get familiar with that feeling, and you’ll train your brain to remember you can get through it.
That’s what true confidence is: Being afraid of doing something, feeling that sense of uncertainty sitting at the pit of your stomach, and still doing it. That’s how you train your brain to fight back insecurity and self-doubt.
Do it enough times, and you’ll end up having a track record of all the things your inner critic told you you wouldn’t be able to do, and which you accomplished anyways. There’s no better way to silence that doubtful little voice than repeatedly proving it wrong.
It doesn’t mean you have to succeed every single time. It’s enough to just show up, try, and survive it. You only fail once you stop trying. So welcome discomfort and do not accept failure.
When we approach life from a place of “I got this” instead of defeat, magic starts to happen around us. Great things start to elevate and expand. So even if you’re still not quite there yet, even if you constantly feel self-doubt pushing you back, make a conscious effort to fight it. Start thinking about confidence as this super-power you’ve just discovered. There’s this powerful force within you, one that can do great things for you (while also serving others), but you’ll need to exercise it and play around with it until you get comfortable. Until you are ready to claim that power inside of you. Because you have it, it’s there. You just have to unlock it.
I hope that these 5 keys will help you gradually do that, through small but incremental changes rather than aiming for perfection. There’s no such thing. Quite the opposite, actually. It’s when we are ready to embrace authentic, raw, weird, and imperfect that we can really start to become our most confident selves.